a little break
So it has been about 11 days since we shot Calloused Hands. I have a couple more days before I dive into the edit, which I’m very much looking forward to. Something oddly fitting about cutting such a Miami film in the heart of Soho. Fitting for me at least.
It has been a very strange sensation, trying to transition from shooting a film to…well to not shooting one. You go from jam packed days filled with hundreds of decisions to make, to feeling as if you are moving along aimlessly. You put so much into a film. Especially a low budget indie like this, that is so deeply rooted in memories and challenging experiences. For two years much of my life was aimed at the completion of Calloused Hands. Trying to find money, cast, crew, equipment, staying inspired, motivated, convinced, and making sure those around me felt the same. You empty yourself for this.
I had to draw on every ounce of my 31 years on this planet to get this thing moving toward this point: my time as a documentary filmmaker, my time in the theatre, my experience as a journalist, as a researcher, as a father, a husband, brother, grandson, every heart break, every heart I have broken, everything. You draw on it all. And you almost regurgitate it, and pour it into this thing, and push it so hard, until the point that it starts to live on it’s own. And so when you get to the finish of the shoot, you feel as if you have nothing left. You feel hollow and empty. You no longer have a goal in front of you, an obstacle to overcome, no massive boulder to push up the mountain. It contrasts so much with my second feature, which is in early stages of development, but somehow seems to be gliding from one stage to the next on its own in-built momentum. Calloused Hands was pushed with little paddles, the next one seems to have a propeller attached to its back. But I can’t complain, for a first feature I could not have asked for a better situation. All of the challenges and difficulties taught me so much. There is no better film school than to go out and make a film. Until the next one.